Round 1 to me!
As I write the sun is shining, we are getting ready to go to a wedding, Iona is sorting through her nursery and school photos, Martin has gone to buy some new running shoes (his sore knee expertly diagnosed by Shane as 'neednewtraineritis'!) and things seem pretty normal.
After the initial shock I'm feeling in less of a panic and less needing to get everything sorted straight away. I am now feeling a lot calmer and we've had a nice few days doing school holiday stuff...apart from Tuesday that is when I was really rough - no doubt induced by the onslaught of radiotherapy, lack of sleep and generally wrung out emotions - but I'm feeling much more hopeful and happy, spurred on by steroids, anti-sickness pills, demands of a 5-year old and plenty of love and support from everyone around me.
I dragged myself in to see Dr B on Tuesday feeling as rough as I ever have done. I'm booked in for the chemo to start next Tuesday - at home again. This time it's going to be one infusion which will take about an hour and I've also to take an oral chemotherapy twice a day for two weeks. The combination of the two drugs is not as commonly given in this country as it is in Europe and the States as it offers a choice selection of side effects but Dr B is keen to stop this thing in its tracks..as am I. He reckons even if I can manage two treatments on the combination then that's definitely worthwhile. Let's see how we go.
The radiotherapy has been ok - there's a flash and a smell that will stay with me and the sound of the nurses scarpering to the safety of their waiting area to avoid the zap of the beams. The Occupational Health chap came round and closed his file after 10 minutes - I don't think there's going to be any problem with my retirement! It is an enormous relief not to be considering work at the moment - it means that every day is for us and enjoying what we can from it.
We've had some great help too - the girls have come into their own - Jacqui has kitted me out with the full Elizabeth Arden 8-hour face products (so while my body crumbles, at least my face will be ok!), Hannah, as well as giving fantastic advice on how to look after Iona in this whole situation, has braved taking her to the hairdressers' (and suffered the hour-long face of thunder!) and also bought me a super jazzy pair of wellies for wet weddings in fields (Congratulations Judy & Steve!)..and we now have a regular ironing service courtesy of the lovely 'other' Hannah.
So, let's see what next week brings - things to do - get a wig sorted, treat myself to a new sick bucket (not sure if Cath Kidston does any!), start going through years of family photos!
More soon.
Vicky xx
Saturday 28 July 2007
Monday 23 July 2007
Get busy living, or get busy dying
These are words from one of Martin's and my favourite films, The Shawshank Redemption, and right now I need to a bit of both of these things.
Since last Tuesday, when we heard Dr B say 'It's not good news,' we have been riding the shockwaves and fighting our way through the blur - my blur has been confused by the steroids which give me a daytime lift and nighttime wakefulness..so I'm pretty tired too.
We don't underestimate the impact on many of you too. Once again we have been overwhelmed by your messages - the bus is fuller than ever. The Watson's girls will have to ride along on the top as in our sixth form French weekend days!!! You are dragging us up from the depths of despair and helping us face the days ahead. I promise that I will fight this fight as hard as I can and squeeze every last ounce out of my life and salvage what we can from our summer holiday plans.
On the medical front, things have marched on - I had my radiotherapy planning session on Friday with Dr Bahl who said that the lesions on my brain were small and the fact that my headaches have already responded to steroids is a good sign. Initially he'd said that I'd have to have permanent marks on my head for the duration of the treatment but luckily the nurses and technicians stepped in and I was fitted with a marked up moulded mask for the first treatment which started today at 1724!! I'll lose my hair in about 6 weeks. It wasn't too bad - very quick in and out. My head was strapped to the table and they zapped me for a couple of minutes each side then I was free to go. The treatment does aggravate the lesions initially so my headache is back for a while.
No need for cold caps this time round with the chemotherapy which is quite a relief. I'm also going to have a line put in tomorrow so no more back of the hand vein nasties either. The nurse will, using ultrasound, feed a line through from the upper arm and down towards the heart and leave it there for the duration of the treatment. The end remains open and sealed with a bandage and all blood taking and treatment can be done from there.
We are also seeing Dr B again tomorrow armed with questions and then I've got the Occupational Health doctor coming round to sort out all my retirement issues. Other than that, I've been in full on rant mode - raging against everything from the skip sticking out onto the pavement outside Redland High School, Virgin Media sending us 19 letters in 5 days and the local news reporter doing a piece to camera while driving his car!!! Helen has sent me a very useful book - Chasing Daylight: How my forthcoming death transformed my life. I sobbed when I read the title but I've read it cover to cover and it's given me some useful ideas on how to cope with all this. So, I'm going from rant mode to list mode - places to go, people to see, things to sort. I feel I could cope if it was just me but the pain, the agony all centres, of course, on my beautiful, innocent little girl. Most other things are resolvable but not that ever.. You realise that this blog will now be part of her memory box.
Of course, we have no definite idea of how long I've got and we continue to hope and believe that the treatment can give us more time but when your GP asks, as mine did this morning, 'Shall I refer you to St Peter's Hospice?', we know we have to be realistic.
Martin and I cannot thank you enough for your words, calls, offers of help and useful advice - we are so, so lucky to have you all.
Vicky xx
Since last Tuesday, when we heard Dr B say 'It's not good news,' we have been riding the shockwaves and fighting our way through the blur - my blur has been confused by the steroids which give me a daytime lift and nighttime wakefulness..so I'm pretty tired too.
We don't underestimate the impact on many of you too. Once again we have been overwhelmed by your messages - the bus is fuller than ever. The Watson's girls will have to ride along on the top as in our sixth form French weekend days!!! You are dragging us up from the depths of despair and helping us face the days ahead. I promise that I will fight this fight as hard as I can and squeeze every last ounce out of my life and salvage what we can from our summer holiday plans.
On the medical front, things have marched on - I had my radiotherapy planning session on Friday with Dr Bahl who said that the lesions on my brain were small and the fact that my headaches have already responded to steroids is a good sign. Initially he'd said that I'd have to have permanent marks on my head for the duration of the treatment but luckily the nurses and technicians stepped in and I was fitted with a marked up moulded mask for the first treatment which started today at 1724!! I'll lose my hair in about 6 weeks. It wasn't too bad - very quick in and out. My head was strapped to the table and they zapped me for a couple of minutes each side then I was free to go. The treatment does aggravate the lesions initially so my headache is back for a while.
No need for cold caps this time round with the chemotherapy which is quite a relief. I'm also going to have a line put in tomorrow so no more back of the hand vein nasties either. The nurse will, using ultrasound, feed a line through from the upper arm and down towards the heart and leave it there for the duration of the treatment. The end remains open and sealed with a bandage and all blood taking and treatment can be done from there.
We are also seeing Dr B again tomorrow armed with questions and then I've got the Occupational Health doctor coming round to sort out all my retirement issues. Other than that, I've been in full on rant mode - raging against everything from the skip sticking out onto the pavement outside Redland High School, Virgin Media sending us 19 letters in 5 days and the local news reporter doing a piece to camera while driving his car!!! Helen has sent me a very useful book - Chasing Daylight: How my forthcoming death transformed my life. I sobbed when I read the title but I've read it cover to cover and it's given me some useful ideas on how to cope with all this. So, I'm going from rant mode to list mode - places to go, people to see, things to sort. I feel I could cope if it was just me but the pain, the agony all centres, of course, on my beautiful, innocent little girl. Most other things are resolvable but not that ever.. You realise that this blog will now be part of her memory box.
Of course, we have no definite idea of how long I've got and we continue to hope and believe that the treatment can give us more time but when your GP asks, as mine did this morning, 'Shall I refer you to St Peter's Hospice?', we know we have to be realistic.
Martin and I cannot thank you enough for your words, calls, offers of help and useful advice - we are so, so lucky to have you all.
Vicky xx
Tuesday 17 July 2007
So much for the summer off
I knew there was something wrong and Dr Braybrooke confirmed it - the cancer has spread to my liver and my brain. I'm starting radiotherapy on my head on Monday for a week and then more chemo the week after for 6 3-weekly sessions. The radiotherapy will make my hair fall out...but that's the least of my concerns right now. Dr B still thinks that it is worth treating because of the good response last time but it's going to be tough.
The bottom line is this thing is definitely going to get me sooner rather than later - I know it, we all know it and I need to work out how I'm going to deal with it.
It's a complete, total, gut wrenching fu!&%r.
Please don't feel you have to leave a message - who knows what to say at a time like this.
Vicky x
The bottom line is this thing is definitely going to get me sooner rather than later - I know it, we all know it and I need to work out how I'm going to deal with it.
It's a complete, total, gut wrenching fu!&%r.
Please don't feel you have to leave a message - who knows what to say at a time like this.
Vicky x
Sunday 15 July 2007
Anxious Times
Just a quick update today..I'm going to see Dr Braybrooke on Tuesday to see what's happening next.
For about three weeks I've been having headaches and over the last week they've been pretty constant day and night and I've generally been feeling not quite right. I know it could be the weather, stress, dehydration or any number of other things but as I've never had headaches before..it's a bit worrying. Today's is not helped by a wine or two at Martin's birthday party last night!!
I phoned Dr B's secretary on Friday and he called me back within the hour (Jacqui says my men are very attentive) - we had a good chat. He said that just because the cancer has been raging in my breast doesn't necessarily mean that it is aggressive elsewhere in my body. Anyway he's sending me for a CT scan tomorrow of the head, chest and abdomen. Hopefully we'll get the results on Tuesday.
So, I'm twitchy to say the least and my imagination has gone into overdrive.
More on Tuesday when we know what's what.
Vicky x
For about three weeks I've been having headaches and over the last week they've been pretty constant day and night and I've generally been feeling not quite right. I know it could be the weather, stress, dehydration or any number of other things but as I've never had headaches before..it's a bit worrying. Today's is not helped by a wine or two at Martin's birthday party last night!!
I phoned Dr B's secretary on Friday and he called me back within the hour (Jacqui says my men are very attentive) - we had a good chat. He said that just because the cancer has been raging in my breast doesn't necessarily mean that it is aggressive elsewhere in my body. Anyway he's sending me for a CT scan tomorrow of the head, chest and abdomen. Hopefully we'll get the results on Tuesday.
So, I'm twitchy to say the least and my imagination has gone into overdrive.
More on Tuesday when we know what's what.
Vicky x
Tuesday 10 July 2007
A happy pathologist
'The pathologist is happy'.
Those were the words we wanted to hear from Mr Cawthorn today - the new tumour, all 7cm of it, was removed in the operation. 7cm - that's enormous! He checked my wound and it's healing well - I can take the waterproof bandage off at the end of the week and get going with the bio oil to heal the scar. I completed a questionnaire so that I can be reported in Mr C's study about his great new surgery techniques and got lots of fab underwear brochures from the nurse.
Anyway, with our good news, we went out and enjoyed Martin's birthday - 40 today!!
Any rubbish that dares to remain in the breast now will be zapped by the radiotherapy which would normally start 4 - 6 weeks after surgery but we might be able to hang on until after our Scottish holiday at the end of August. We see Dr Braybrooke next Tuesday to discuss all that and more scans.
We were out at the weekend and walked right into the Sun Walk at the top of Park Street - thousands of women in their decorated bras walking 13 miles to raise money for breast cancer charities. It was quite poignant and we sat for a while and watched them walk past.
I've been feeling fine since the operation - no pain - and I'm getting used to my new look. I even went out with a strappy top on last night. Iona's been on a school trip today and has been telling some of her friends that Mummy has only one boobie - everyone says it's good she's talking about it but I do feel sorry for the other parents when their kids come home demanding an explanation! Not sure all that is on the Year 1 curriculum.
So, so far, so good.
Vicky xx
Those were the words we wanted to hear from Mr Cawthorn today - the new tumour, all 7cm of it, was removed in the operation. 7cm - that's enormous! He checked my wound and it's healing well - I can take the waterproof bandage off at the end of the week and get going with the bio oil to heal the scar. I completed a questionnaire so that I can be reported in Mr C's study about his great new surgery techniques and got lots of fab underwear brochures from the nurse.
Anyway, with our good news, we went out and enjoyed Martin's birthday - 40 today!!
Any rubbish that dares to remain in the breast now will be zapped by the radiotherapy which would normally start 4 - 6 weeks after surgery but we might be able to hang on until after our Scottish holiday at the end of August. We see Dr Braybrooke next Tuesday to discuss all that and more scans.
We were out at the weekend and walked right into the Sun Walk at the top of Park Street - thousands of women in their decorated bras walking 13 miles to raise money for breast cancer charities. It was quite poignant and we sat for a while and watched them walk past.
I've been feeling fine since the operation - no pain - and I'm getting used to my new look. I even went out with a strappy top on last night. Iona's been on a school trip today and has been telling some of her friends that Mummy has only one boobie - everyone says it's good she's talking about it but I do feel sorry for the other parents when their kids come home demanding an explanation! Not sure all that is on the Year 1 curriculum.
So, so far, so good.
Vicky xx
Saturday 7 July 2007
In and out...and off!
Well, it's been a busy week!
We saw Mr Cawthorn at Frenchay Hospital on Wednesday lunchtime and he measured me up for surgery, answered our questions and allayed our fears about how this had come to be. This surgery was almost inevitable after he had not be able to get the clearance that he wanted in the first operation although I'm glad I didn't know that during the chemo. The chemo had probably succeeded in keeping the residue disease lurking in the lymphatic channels at bay but now treatment was over it had flared up again. The worry is that this is an indicator that this cancer is an aggressive little devil - we will need to find out more from Dr Braybrooke.
Just over 24 hours after the phonecall from Mr C, I walked back into Admissions at The Glen. By this time I just wanted to get rid of this horrible, diseased mass on my body. The anaesthetist, who in his own words bore a striking ressemblance to Gerry Adams (but that's where the similarities ended!) and seemed to know half our neighbours, put me to sleep with some minty smelling gas because of my knackered chemo veins, and then dug about looking for a receptive vein. Nice man sparing me that!
Then Mr C set to work using his new pioneering breast surgery technique which requires no drains - that means only one night in hospital and not having to endure the agony of having drains removed once skin has started to cling onto them. The operation took about an hour and I was back in my room with my supersize chest pad and my morphine pump. I was sick a couple of times - a reminder that it is not sensible to rush to the nearest Harvester when you have half an hour to eat before the pre-op 'no food' rule kicks in!
Next morning the nurse came to remove my bandages - I couldn't watch and concentrated on Martin's reaction to what he saw. He was ok with it all. I sneaked a look eventually and it's really not as gruesome as I thought it was going to be (you've seen the cold cap pic but I'll spare you this one!) and not too uncomfortable either - I haven't even dipped into the pick 'n' mix bag of pain killers that I was sent home with. I think I can live with this and I've been feeling in quite good spirits. I dragged myself away from the tennis and managed to get to school to pick Iona up yesterday (although I did need to go with Fiona and Stan for moral support) but needed to sleep for 2 hours when I got back!
We liked Mr Cawthorn before but we like him even more now and we are in no doubt that he is the best there is which is a very comforting position to be in. When Martin was walking back up to the hospital to see me after the operation (with Iona happily enjoying her first ever schoolnight sleepover at Asha's - thanks Annabelle!), Mr C drove past him and went back round the roundabout and stopped for a chat. Martin was touched by this. We've been playing a game of 'Guess what car the consultant drives?' and are delighted to say that in Mr C's case it is a battered old Saab. He's so cool - he even did my post-op check by text!
Iona is fascinated by my softee falsie - the delights of the chicken fillet are to come when my wound is healed!! As a 5-year old desperate to have wobbly teeth, she and I have had an interesting conversation about whether the boobie fairy will pay me a visit!!
I have made the decision that work is probably a thing of the past - the paperwork has yet to be completed - it's just not where I want to be focussing the time and energy that I do have. Iona is delighted that I will be taking her to school every day and that after school club is a thing of the past. Martin teases no more Fat Face shopping for me - it's New Look and Primark from now on!
The planned weekend visit by my sister and family has been downsized to just Anna and Ewan (aged 3 and Iona's favourite cousin) which will be lovely for all of us...especially because I can indulge in a guilt-free weekend of sport watching!
Once again I feel incredibly lucky to have friends and family like you, doctors like Mr C and Dr B and, of course, my very own super hero Martin, aided and abetted by mini hero, Iona.
Check up and histology report on Tuesday - more then.
Vicky xx
We saw Mr Cawthorn at Frenchay Hospital on Wednesday lunchtime and he measured me up for surgery, answered our questions and allayed our fears about how this had come to be. This surgery was almost inevitable after he had not be able to get the clearance that he wanted in the first operation although I'm glad I didn't know that during the chemo. The chemo had probably succeeded in keeping the residue disease lurking in the lymphatic channels at bay but now treatment was over it had flared up again. The worry is that this is an indicator that this cancer is an aggressive little devil - we will need to find out more from Dr Braybrooke.
Just over 24 hours after the phonecall from Mr C, I walked back into Admissions at The Glen. By this time I just wanted to get rid of this horrible, diseased mass on my body. The anaesthetist, who in his own words bore a striking ressemblance to Gerry Adams (but that's where the similarities ended!) and seemed to know half our neighbours, put me to sleep with some minty smelling gas because of my knackered chemo veins, and then dug about looking for a receptive vein. Nice man sparing me that!
Then Mr C set to work using his new pioneering breast surgery technique which requires no drains - that means only one night in hospital and not having to endure the agony of having drains removed once skin has started to cling onto them. The operation took about an hour and I was back in my room with my supersize chest pad and my morphine pump. I was sick a couple of times - a reminder that it is not sensible to rush to the nearest Harvester when you have half an hour to eat before the pre-op 'no food' rule kicks in!
Next morning the nurse came to remove my bandages - I couldn't watch and concentrated on Martin's reaction to what he saw. He was ok with it all. I sneaked a look eventually and it's really not as gruesome as I thought it was going to be (you've seen the cold cap pic but I'll spare you this one!) and not too uncomfortable either - I haven't even dipped into the pick 'n' mix bag of pain killers that I was sent home with. I think I can live with this and I've been feeling in quite good spirits. I dragged myself away from the tennis and managed to get to school to pick Iona up yesterday (although I did need to go with Fiona and Stan for moral support) but needed to sleep for 2 hours when I got back!
We liked Mr Cawthorn before but we like him even more now and we are in no doubt that he is the best there is which is a very comforting position to be in. When Martin was walking back up to the hospital to see me after the operation (with Iona happily enjoying her first ever schoolnight sleepover at Asha's - thanks Annabelle!), Mr C drove past him and went back round the roundabout and stopped for a chat. Martin was touched by this. We've been playing a game of 'Guess what car the consultant drives?' and are delighted to say that in Mr C's case it is a battered old Saab. He's so cool - he even did my post-op check by text!
Iona is fascinated by my softee falsie - the delights of the chicken fillet are to come when my wound is healed!! As a 5-year old desperate to have wobbly teeth, she and I have had an interesting conversation about whether the boobie fairy will pay me a visit!!
I have made the decision that work is probably a thing of the past - the paperwork has yet to be completed - it's just not where I want to be focussing the time and energy that I do have. Iona is delighted that I will be taking her to school every day and that after school club is a thing of the past. Martin teases no more Fat Face shopping for me - it's New Look and Primark from now on!
The planned weekend visit by my sister and family has been downsized to just Anna and Ewan (aged 3 and Iona's favourite cousin) which will be lovely for all of us...especially because I can indulge in a guilt-free weekend of sport watching!
Once again I feel incredibly lucky to have friends and family like you, doctors like Mr C and Dr B and, of course, my very own super hero Martin, aided and abetted by mini hero, Iona.
Check up and histology report on Tuesday - more then.
Vicky xx
Tuesday 3 July 2007
Here we go again
We are reeling...
I was away with work for a week and felt a bit tender and sore in my right breast when I got back. I phoned Dr B who suggested I see Mr Cawthorn. The luxury of the private health system means that I phoned him on Tuesday and saw him last Friday. He poked and prodded and did an ultrasound and said he didn't like the look of it. He did a biopsy and took a sample from a red mark on my skin.
I waited all day yesterday to hear from him and finally he rang at lunchtime today.
Both samples show signs of recurrence of the cancer in that area so I'm having a mastectomy tomorrow followed by radiotherapy and then more chemo. It's the more chemo that's the real killer.
So many questions going round my head but nothing more to say at the moment except time to get the bus out of the garage.
Love Vicky xx
I was away with work for a week and felt a bit tender and sore in my right breast when I got back. I phoned Dr B who suggested I see Mr Cawthorn. The luxury of the private health system means that I phoned him on Tuesday and saw him last Friday. He poked and prodded and did an ultrasound and said he didn't like the look of it. He did a biopsy and took a sample from a red mark on my skin.
I waited all day yesterday to hear from him and finally he rang at lunchtime today.
Both samples show signs of recurrence of the cancer in that area so I'm having a mastectomy tomorrow followed by radiotherapy and then more chemo. It's the more chemo that's the real killer.
So many questions going round my head but nothing more to say at the moment except time to get the bus out of the garage.
Love Vicky xx
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