These are words from one of Martin's and my favourite films, The Shawshank Redemption, and right now I need to a bit of both of these things.
Since last Tuesday, when we heard Dr B say 'It's not good news,' we have been riding the shockwaves and fighting our way through the blur - my blur has been confused by the steroids which give me a daytime lift and nighttime wakefulness..so I'm pretty tired too.
We don't underestimate the impact on many of you too. Once again we have been overwhelmed by your messages - the bus is fuller than ever. The Watson's girls will have to ride along on the top as in our sixth form French weekend days!!! You are dragging us up from the depths of despair and helping us face the days ahead. I promise that I will fight this fight as hard as I can and squeeze every last ounce out of my life and salvage what we can from our summer holiday plans.
On the medical front, things have marched on - I had my radiotherapy planning session on Friday with Dr Bahl who said that the lesions on my brain were small and the fact that my headaches have already responded to steroids is a good sign. Initially he'd said that I'd have to have permanent marks on my head for the duration of the treatment but luckily the nurses and technicians stepped in and I was fitted with a marked up moulded mask for the first treatment which started today at 1724!! I'll lose my hair in about 6 weeks. It wasn't too bad - very quick in and out. My head was strapped to the table and they zapped me for a couple of minutes each side then I was free to go. The treatment does aggravate the lesions initially so my headache is back for a while.
No need for cold caps this time round with the chemotherapy which is quite a relief. I'm also going to have a line put in tomorrow so no more back of the hand vein nasties either. The nurse will, using ultrasound, feed a line through from the upper arm and down towards the heart and leave it there for the duration of the treatment. The end remains open and sealed with a bandage and all blood taking and treatment can be done from there.
We are also seeing Dr B again tomorrow armed with questions and then I've got the Occupational Health doctor coming round to sort out all my retirement issues. Other than that, I've been in full on rant mode - raging against everything from the skip sticking out onto the pavement outside Redland High School, Virgin Media sending us 19 letters in 5 days and the local news reporter doing a piece to camera while driving his car!!! Helen has sent me a very useful book - Chasing Daylight: How my forthcoming death transformed my life. I sobbed when I read the title but I've read it cover to cover and it's given me some useful ideas on how to cope with all this. So, I'm going from rant mode to list mode - places to go, people to see, things to sort. I feel I could cope if it was just me but the pain, the agony all centres, of course, on my beautiful, innocent little girl. Most other things are resolvable but not that ever.. You realise that this blog will now be part of her memory box.
Of course, we have no definite idea of how long I've got and we continue to hope and believe that the treatment can give us more time but when your GP asks, as mine did this morning, 'Shall I refer you to St Peter's Hospice?', we know we have to be realistic.
Martin and I cannot thank you enough for your words, calls, offers of help and useful advice - we are so, so lucky to have you all.
Vicky xx
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20 comments:
We are thinking of every step-can't think of anything to add to what has already been said so eloquently by the tonnes of friends you have. Loads of love Vicky,Laurence,lucia and Oscarxxx
Hi Vicky, I have just read your lasted post and our thoughts are with you all. Loads of love and hugs Danielle & Rob xxx
That's the greatest headline for a tough blog.
With three lanes of the M4 crammed full of buses stretching back as far as the eye can see - and all heading for your door - the former rather than the latter element of the headline, is clear in the ascendancy.
You are positive, you are funny, you are a realist, you are a pragmatist, you are practical and yet again, your thoughts are focussed on others before yourself.
Once again, we are humbled by your clear vision and take on life.
And that can only help you, Martin and Iona to thrive, as the rest of us look on with awe.
So much love, Mr, Mrs and Miss Gutsy...
Ian & family x
Glad to see you are still keeping someone in order!!! You can do some ranting for us too if you would like?
Our thoughts are with you all, and as always Vicky you remain an inspiration to us all.
Do hope to see you soon.
Loads of love and hugs from 2 bad girls in prison cell & Lesa!!! (AKA Partygirls in penthouse suite) xxx
Your beautiful, innocent daughter has one hell of a beautiful, innocent mother.
Make sure your bus has some rest in the layby enjoying quiet time with Martin and Iona.
What percentage of your list is devoted to fatface/whitestuff retail therapy?!
Love as always
Jxx
PS - Can you ask Martin how I will recognise the start of a Weir rant. To be forwarned is to be forarmed!
Dear Vicky,
Your courage and thoughtfulness at such a terrible time are an inspiration to all of us. We're sending sending lots of love and hugs,
Ali & Rik xx
Wow Vicky, you're amazing. You're a fighter and that's actually helping all of us too you know. To hear you so determined lifts me no end. I mean it. You're brave and strong and you've got to keep it up girl.
Claire and I can't wait to see you Sunday. I don't know if she knows the way but she says she's got her bosses car with a Nav Sat so we're set.
Your lovely friend Jacqui has agreed to our latest invasion on Saturday night which is very good of her.
See you very, very soon. Hang on in there and do all the ranting you need.
Love Sarah.
Dearest Vicky
As ever your positive attack is the best thing the passengers on the bus can hear right now!!You are `dinging` that bell with such aggression -woe be-tide anyone who crosses your path - and quite rightly so!! You have shared with us all your thoughts and emotions and we are humbled by your honesty, clarity of vision and positive attitude. Vicky you are an incredible and beautiful young lady. Your beauty comes from within and bursts and blossoms to the surface. Your strength is a great companion to your beauty - they are riding this storm side by side. We are merely onlookers - passengers on this journey with you, but every single one of the people on your bus are with you every step of the way - every turn of the wheel. We are sending our love and thoughts and hope that in some small way this will add to your stock pile and help you gather some strength to continue this battle.
Iona and Martin will take all the strength they need from knowing you are not giving up - and -hopefully some comfort in knowing so many people care and love you all.
With all our love
Your Friends in the North - Muir and Rod xxx
Vicky - having just read your latest, words fail me other than that we are thinking of you all - Martin, who I've not met, Iona who probably doesn't remember me (or Ellen or Charlie)and you, of course. I cannot believe that I would ever be able to cope with anything like this if it was happenening to me - you really are an inspiration, as ever. Keep fighting girl! All our love, Jane, Tim E&Cxxxxxxxx
Vicky,
The way you are clearly coping and fighting are amazing. I am blown away every time I read your blog. The three of you are in my thoughts all the time - as are the rest of your family.
Fight on!
Love,
Karen xx
Vicky, just caught up with the news, my thoughts and love are with you. Our excellent motherwatches on the Bristol Clipper crossing the Atlantic were all down to you! I use them as examples to my new crew as we go through the training for the next race! Love and best wishes, Simon.
Rotterdam on Clipper 006 (the yacht with no name - yet!).
Hi Vicky
Greens are thinking of you too.
Well done for being so,.. so,.. um... well.. so, Vicky! (brave, feisty, humorous, etc. etc.)
Can't imagine what you are going through but rooting for you big time.
Re hospice I would say get them on board this bus asap.
They have excellent facilities for respite care and a change of scene/break for you all, with very lovely, caring staff.
Also a very good social work department does great work with kids.
It is much the best for Iona to get to know them early over a long period before she (if ever) actually 'needs' them.
On a practical/financial note you should possibly start to think about muttering the word 'DS1500' (it's a form) to your GP too...
Call me if you want to chat about the hospice stuff sometime.
Much love dear heart
Waf xxx
Hi Vicky
Have a great time with the Watson's girls over the weekend. Just thinking back to that French weekend makes me smile and see your bus in a very different light! It also reminds me that the female newsreader on radio 4 announced just after Gordon Brown took over that she could also remember her old school moto - 'Ex Corde Caritas'....there it was out over the airwaves!! Love from the heart. Well all these years later you can see all that love on every page of your blog and your replies.
You seem to be getting lots of good advice from all corners. But do you realise what good learning we are all taking from you. Your strength and positive outlook have given me great support particularly in the last few years. You are amazing (as are Martin, Iona, your friends and family, all the other bloggers.) Together we will fight the big fight with you, all the way. Looking forward to squeezing out some of those good times with you.
Lots and lots of love to you, Martina and Iona
Margot, John, Rowan, Ceara and Lochlan
Dear Vicky
Just to let you know that we are thinking of you constantly. Sarah keeps me up to date with your news and we are reading the blog, which is amazing and inspirational.
Much love
Tricia, Maurice and Lillie
Hi Vicky
It was great to see you on Saturday. You looked utterly amazing and the same as ever - funny, intelligent, inquisitive and simply great company. It was great to have a chat with Martin too - what a superhero! It's a real privilege to be your friend Vicky (I'm sure lots of bloggers feel the same)and sharing this journey with you is a remarkable experience. You're constantly in my thoughts. Lots of love to you, Martin and Iona. Angie xx
Hi Vicks. Haven't written anything on here yet - I'm sorry about that. Not great at doing this sort of thing. Reading through, it's all deeply moving and proves what a loved genuine person you are, have always been.
I'm afraid I have to deal with quite a few people who are living with cancer. I don't like the term 'fighting' because it's often so one sided, unfair and unwinable. One of my favorite sayings is 'people can shout until they're blue in the face, but you can only do your best'. You have done your best. Iona and Martin can be enormously proud of you.
Take time to do what you want to do now. You must have such wonderful memories. Try to be positive but ask for help if you need it. The Hospice people are incredibly helpful and caring. Your GP is right to suggest you see them soon.
Am thinking about you allot, hoping things will work out well. See you soon. Adam XX.
Hi vicky,
So sorry I didn't manage to catch up with you on Saturday. You are such an amazing fighter and I know it has been said by all the other bloggers but your words and honesty are truely humbling. The way you have coped this last week is quite unbelievable. I think I, (along with everyone else on the bus) would have just curled up in the corner full of self pity in the face of such adversity. Your take on life makes us all just want to stop and take stock of what you have and what's going on around you.
Keep ranting and keep that fabulous inner strength burning. My god if you could bottle that it would be priceless!
We are all with you Vicky, Martin and Iona and will do anything to help in the difficult journey ahead.
Much love
Jayne.X
Hi Vicky, I just wanted to send you my love and my thoughts are with you. love Marie (bath tourism)
Hey Vicky
I had a dream about you last night, hope that doesn't sound too dodgy? It's better than dreaming about the guides! You were showing me postcards of all the places you've been and you were so happy - I think your resilience and positivity is something that always shines through whatever life throws at you.
It'll be lovely to meet up with you and Danielle soon - let me know when suits you.
Love Em xxx
I am in awe of both you and Martin. Perfect role models for little Iona.
Luke
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