Merry Christmas & Happy New Year

Hello All,

Update from me, things have settled down since our 'dog napping' saga. With the Christmas build up this December as gone very quickly. In the weeks leading up to Christmas I tried to keep busy sorting Iona's pressies and doing all the things us guys normally take for granted. Apologies if any men reading this and think hang on a minute I do as much as anyone!, but I admit I said that because I normally get off lightly on the Christmas organising. I'm not complaining though, it was a focus that took my mind of things.

Iona and I chose a lovely tree, she did a fab job decorating it. I thought I'd have to redo it once she was in bed but no, it looked fab.

Joan returned to Edinburgh a few days before Christmas with Iona, Laura and I went up on the 23rd. It was the first time in 9 years I was going to spend Christmas day with Laura! usually I'd see her just for a few hours. Laura gets on well with Helen ( Diarmids daughter) and they went out all day Christmas Eve shopping, well and a two hour lunch apparently!

Anna and Ed offered to do Christmas lunch and we all gathered at there house. Well done both of you, it was great. Dick Place would've been difficult without Vicky around on Christmas day. In fact it was extremely hard being in Edinburgh without her. I've never been there without Vic. I was awash with emotions. I miss her so much, and being up there it magnified this void. Time I know will heal. I have to believe that.

Iona was very excited I'm pleased to say though. The arrival of a fat man with a white beard, who drinks at every stop whilst in charge of reindeer's still did its magic. Christmas morning we opened all her presents from Father Christmas and the rest Anna's later. Iona is spending New Year with Joan. She loves being up in Edinburgh. Except maybe when Frankie finds a box of chocolates, eats 16!! yes 16 and gets dog sick. Not pretty.

Thanks for all your cards and messages of support. Diana, huge thanks to you for putting me in touch with Jo, great help. Next year will soon be upon us and I wish you all a very happy 2008. I will continue to blog, to keep you up to date with this new Journey.

Martin X

Dog Nappers!

Hi All

We had some drama here this weekend. Joan was out shopping on Friday afternoon, she’d taken Frankie with her, tied her up when she popped into a shop. When she came out after only being there for a minute or two, Frankie was nowhere to be seen. As luck would have it a community police woman was walking passed. Joan ran up to her and explained the dog was gone. Then to her utter horror the policewoman said she’d just seen a couple walking passed her with a small dog under his jacket!

They both searched in vain for this couple, but eventually had to stop as there was no sign of them. Joan was so upset. As we all were. So Joan call the local paper to see if they’d put a small piece about Frankie. Well when the reporter found out there was a very human side to this story he wanted pictures. And we thought if it was going to help, why not?

A photographer came round late on Friday night and took a pictures of Iona & Joan holding a picture of Frankie. He had to take a few pictures, because Iona wanted to smile! Not good for the heart strings a happy child who’s just lost her favourite dog in the whole wide world!!

On Saturday morning Joan, Iona and I went to the Gloucester Road with posters, and successfully persuaded shop keepers to put them in their windows. We all felt so helpless. Dogs home on standby. We managed the school Christmas fair.

No sooner had we got back home Saturday evening I had a call from a man saying he’d found Frankie that morning. He was very difficult to understand, I thought he sounded drunk. I did eventually get his address, only after he asked me about the reward! And saying my first offer wasn’t much! Now I wasn’t sure if I was being held to ransom, but we just wanted Frankie back. Could this 60 year old man be the mastermind behind it all? Or did he just find Frankie that moring? Paid him anyway.. 10 minutes later Frankie was in the back of my car going bonkers and licking Iona to bits!

Phew! Our emotions were absolutely shot! We were all over joyed to have her back. Joan has vowed never to leave Frankie outside a shop again.

The end!

The generosity from you all was amazing and you donated over £1,650 for St. Peters Hospice and £750 for Zimbabwe Association. Thank you.

I’m not bothering watching Sports personality this year doesn’t seem quite so interesting without V telling me who’s going to win and who shouldn't. Joan is helping so much at the moment which has taken a lot of pressure of me. Well, when she's not trying to get into the papers that is !

Hope you’re all ok.

Martin x.

Memorable Day

It's still quite unbelievable.. The cold fact that Vicky is no longer going to brighten up my days. Looking back over the last six weeks it all went so fast. It does really seem all blurry.
From some small sense of excitement of getting away for a holiday, to this bleak emptiness is really hard. Events unfolding, feeling so so out of control with no way of stopping any of it.

I am thankful for the support I received. I want to start naming you all, but then I run the risk of missing some people out. So I’ll just say a global thank to you all.

The Funeral was so hard. All week I talked myself into thinking I’d be ok. Soon as I arrived, surges of emotion welled up from deep. Glad I did that poem, without going to pieces.Phew that was tough. When I see acts of such kindness it really gets to me. Forgive me if I was a little vague at times but.. Can you imagine just how hard it is to remember all of you? It’s not easy when I knew that you were a really good friend of Vicky’s but I’d only met you once or twice!! And so many of you!! Some of you drove a long way to be there, early starts, we did appreciate it.

From the comments I received everybody thought it was ‘memorable’ it’s hard to use words like lovely, nice and great when you’re describing a funeral. But I know what people meant .Vicky did choose most of what happened on the day. That’s planning for you! And we did try not to waver from that. The people that spoke gave a different perspective from there experiences with Vicky and that gave a really interesting, sometimes funny but very personal interpretation of Vicky. I hope you agree it work well. Iona sat next to her best friend Orla. They didn’t move, just sat and listened. Fab.

I said earlier I didn’t want to thank anybody in particular but I do want to say something about Colstons School. It more that a place of learning for our children, or a great primary school. I certainly haven’t experienced anything like it. With out exception, all you Mums and Dads have been just fantastic. From offers of childcare, Food parcels, the visits, it goes on and on.. All of you with your love and genuine support has made this last year easier to endure. No pressure but I hope that continues.

A lot of you asked me about Iona, well at the moment we haven’t seen an out pouring of grief. She’s six. What can we expect? Who really knows? All we can do is be there when she does need support. Margot gave Iona a beautiful memory box today and a memory book. The book asked questions like what were mummies likes / dislikes. Favourite foods and more direct things regarding death and she wrote quite candid responses. It’s important she knows she has nothing to fear about her future, and with the help of our family and friends we know she has nothing to fear.

We haven’t had chance to sort all of your generous donations yet but will get back to you in the near future.

Martin X

Further Details

Thank you all who have sent such kind messages to us either online or in other ways. We have wanted to make the most of our farewell to Vicky and so with heavy hearts have turned our mind to her funeral arrangements. Like her we hope these will be a little different!

The funeral will be held at Memorial Woodlands, Earthcott Green, Alveston, Bristol on Saturday 24th November. You can find a printable map at http://www.memorialwoodlands.com/contactus.php. There will be a secular service in the chapel there, starting at 11am. After this Vicky's immediate family will then accompany her body to the local crematorium for a short committal ceremony, before we return to join you all.

We hope that everybody will stay and share the food and drink that will be provided in the reception rooms at Memorial Woodlands until and after we rejoin you. We intend to provide mementos of Vicky's life and exploits there and hope that you too will bring along anything you would like to share that will help keep her memory with us. There will also be a Book of Remembrance for you to add tributes.

We have the whole of the Memorial Woodlands site for ourselves until 5.30pm, so hope to get the chance to see you all.

Instead of sending flowers we would prefer that if you wish to do so you make a donation to St Peter's Hospice who cared so compassionately for Vicky and us in her last days. The facility to do this will be provided at the funeral.

Love from Diarmid and Martin

Stop all the Clocks...

We know that you are all waiting for more news, and all of you are dreading the message that leaves all of us shattered and empty, and will change our lives completely. But we are so sorry to let you all know that our dearest, lovely Vicky died this morning at 3.15am. She fought a very brave fight but was, thankfully, pain-free at the end. She wasn’t on her own as Martin, Anna, Diarmid and Kerstin were with her while Joan was unselfishly looking after Iona. Afterwards Kerstin swapped roles with Joan, allowing Joan to see Vicky.

Vicky’s last thoughts were on her dearest Iona. Vicky was clearly put at ease as Anna showed her pictures of her lovely girl.

We are now arranging the funeral, but as you know this takes some time. We will gather in Memorial Woodlands (www.memorialwoodlands.com) on Saturday 24th November. We will tell you the final details as soon as we know them.

With love from Vicky’s family

New surroundings

As Vicky's brother (Diarmid, special request blogger!) I have been given the task of making sense of the last few days. As a doctor myself by training, it can be difficult to separate the medical facts from the emotional response.

Readers of Martin's last blog will know that the news was very bad last week. During the holiday to Spain Vicky became very ill very quickly and the scan on her return showed that the cancer had spread to the lining of the brain and the spinal cord. This is not only very difficult to treat effectively but causes extremely unpleasant symptoms of awful headaches, neck stiffness and vomiting. It's really a low grade meningitis.

The priority for Vicky has therefore been to reduce inflammation and swelling around the brain and relieve her headaches and sickness. It has taken some time to really get this under control, with a terrible up and down 2 or 3 days, during which her immediate family (Joan, Anna, myself and my wife Kerstin and my kids) have travelled to be with her, but with injections of steroids, strong painkillers and anti-sickness drugs, she is now alternating between relaxed sleep and times of alertness, when she is her usual funny and strong-willed self, generally trying to get the family organised!

This morning Vicky was moved with her consent to St Peter's Hospice, where the surroundings are much more relaxed than the Oncology Unit and the focus is very much on maximising the pleasure Vicky and her family can get from what are almost certain to be her last few days or weeks.

She seems to be wonderfully calm and concerned more for her family and friends than herself, dispensing hugs to her nephew and niece (Helen and Andrew), among others today. Iona seems to be understanding and participating in her own way what is going on, and her smiling and laughter with her cousins has been a great comfort to us all.

Over the last few days we owe many thanks to many people (particularly but not exclusively!) Jackie, Hannah, Shane and particularly from me and Andrew, Skye the cat.

Thanks for all of your very kind messages. As ever we are relaying them to Vicky.

Diarmid X

Back from Holiday with news...

Ok all you passengers where do I start?

We got back from Spain last night, as you know we hoped it was going to a really relaxing break however things didn’t go to plan..

Vicky had travelled to Spain without too much difficulty, Heathrow to Barcelona then to Almeria. The next day V was naturally a bit tired so we didn’t do much at all. From the Monday things started to go down hill. She felt very nauseas and began to be sick regularly. A couple of days later she developed some nagging headaches.
Of course she took anti sickness and paracetamol but to no avail.

All she could manage was to stay wrapped up in a blanket on the sofa or in bed. We did try and go out a few times just to a beach but that was not much fun for V. Something was seriously wrong.
Iona and Joan made the most of it though. Joan got straight in the sea and Iona played nicely. We did try a small venture to some shops but Vicky we noticed was getting very unsteady on her feet! That was a bit alarming coupled with her headaches.

We really were getting worried and pondered the possibility of getting flights home. Vicky just couldn’t keep anything down. So she text Dr Braybrooke. We are very lucky to have such an approachable consultant on this bus, and he rang back. He suggested Vicky take some steroids. This did help. And Vicky’s headaches in the Day time did subside so did the nausea.

The night time was a very different matter though, as the steroids wore off and back came the sickness and painful headaches. We didn’t sleep much at all the last three of four days.

It was such a shame because Joan had picked a beautiful house. It was up in the hills with fab pool and stunning views. Iona was amazing. On the few sunny days we did swim a lot in the pool. She has a small dingy and was the master of the waves. You wouldn’t go near her the way she swung the oars about! Other days Joan took her out on walks, or she read.

The journey home was difficult, Joan (speaks V good Spanish) to the rescue though and she organised a wheel chair from the plane at Barcelona and Heathrow. Might have been last of the plane but straight through the queues at security.. Phew, no way Vicky would have stood for that amount of time. It was Joans birthday to.. typical V more worried about spoiling it than worrying about herself.

Dr B had organised a MRI scan for today (Monday 9am) and wants her in hospital for a while. Chemotherapy is on hold, was due Thursday. We have a meeting with him at the hospital later this afternoon.

I WROTE THAT FIRST PART EARLIER.. This is post meeting….

Vicky’s scan confirmed our worst nightmare. The Cancer is back in the brain. It’s very difficult to put into words what we are feeling now. Dr Braybrooke words were "this is extremely worrying". Radiotherpy isn't an option. Vicky definitely didn’t want me to mention any time scales and I won’t, but things have taken the most serious turn for the worse.

I Want to say a big thanks to Jacqui & Shane solid as ever.

Please keep blogging. I will print all your comments and take them in to show Vicky.
She is going to be in there until next week. Then hopefully home Tuesday.

And we'll take it from there.

I will keep you updated.

Martin X.


Help needed: Joan is moving to Bristol for a while, we need to rent a flat, in Bs6, 1 or 2 Bed, Furnished, and accommodate a small dog, if any of you have a contact in letting then please can you pass them our details. Thanks.

STOP PRESS!

The holiday is on. Dr B just rang and said this morning's blood results are good enough to go. I'm sure the travelling will be an effort but well worth it. I'll now have my treatment when we get back on Thursday 1st November. Perhaps, things are looking up at last.

Vicky x

All change!

No treatment tomorrow. My bloods are shot again - haemaglobin is down to 7.7 (should be between 11.5 - 14.5) and my platelets are a ridiculous 14 when they should be at least 100. Even my white count isn't very impressive considering I'm having the wonder drug Neulasta. On a positive note, the blood tests showed that my liver function has improved which is great news and my first subscription Grazia arrived today! (Thanks Lizzie) We have also been cheered by the generous food parcels which have been arriving on the doorstep - thank you Jacqui and Shane, Helen and Diana. I must admit that Martin has thoroughly enjoyed them!

To be honest, I was quite relieved to hear the blood results - I can't describe how awful I've been feeling pretty much since my last treatment. Sorry if you thought I was out and about enjoying myself - the truth is I've hardly even managed to get to school to pick Iona up and I do miss the playground mums and dads. I've had so little energy, not much appetite and nausea too. Added to all this I've now developed lymphoedema in my right arm. It's definitely all now starting to get me down and Dr B is sending me to see Dr Brennan, a psychologist on Wednesday. To make me feel even more miserable, I struggled to Fat Face on Sunday, couldn't even face trying anything on, spent nothing while Martin merrily splashed out £100!!! Poor Martin - I'm so grumpy at the moment...except when other people are around!! Claire and Katie, two of my oldest school friends, made a flying visit last weekend, Katie before she heads off to Nepal and Claire battled here through the Friday night traffic from Milton Keynes. An impressive effort!

Abigail, Hannah, Jacqui and my planned weekend away was reduced to a night round here - lovely as always to spend time with the girls but not long enough.

So, we don't know where we stand with our Spanish holiday - Dr B has always been very keen for us to go but has now expressed reservation if my platelet count is still low so we won't know what we're doing until the end of the week after another blood transfusion. Martin is keeping quiet on this matter as our flight clashes with the Rugby World Cup Final!!

Iona is on fine form and seems to be taking it all in her stride. She's now quite used to seeing her mother lying flat out on the sofa under a blanket!!

Vicky xx

After the MMM

Well, I wasn't looking forward to MMM on Tuesday, the multi-coloured triple dose of chemo no 3. But it passed off completely uneventfully. Nicky hid the syringes from me! And it was great - no pain, no nausea, no rainbow wee...and a full meal afterwards! Martin even felt bold enough to go out to the cricket nets with the school dads.

Martin deserves a few nights out - he has been in real super-hero mode lately, looking after me and Iona and the cat (in no partcular order!!). Plus it's student time at work and they are all desperate for Virgin Media services so he's working silly hours and the other team leader chose last weekend to wrap himself and his high speed motorbike round a van on the M32 so he's out of action for 10 weeks with some nasties to his leg.

So, I wait to see what side effects the MMM is going to throw at me - so far, so good. Yesterday (Wednesday) I had more energy than I have in a long while. Having said that it's still a huge effort to get up the hill from school..but I did manage a few jobs round the house...probably a few too many judging by how I feel today. I must pace myself better. When I learn how to do that, I'll let you know!!! A weekend of rugby watching will be a good start!

More soon.

Vicky xx

Coming back to life...!

Well, I can honestly say that I've been out of it for the last couple of weeks - it has been an effort to do anything...so I've done nothing!! Fortunately, Mum was here and then Anna came down and took over. My main concern is that I haven't set foot in Iona's bedroom for nearly two weeks and I am dreading what awaits me!

Anna came with me to my work retirement party on Friday lunchtime. Through the week I was really worried whether I would make it there at all but I did...just...and it was a lovely occasion. My boss said a few words, the Chair of the Board said a few words and I said a few words and everyone just about kept their emotions in check. Can't say the same for my nausea and I did have to make a quick dash for the loos!!! Smart Hotel du Vin loos - could be worse!!

My colleagues have been fantastically generous and we now have a voucher for a family photography session and, suffice to say, you will soon be seeing me in an all new Fat Face winter wardrobe!! They also put together a hilarious scrap book with all sorts of embarrassing photos and anecdotes - I do wonder if I stayed there too long!!

So, I've now left work - in fact, today is the first day of my retirement. Sadly, it's a bit wet for gardening!

I've been waiting to see how I felt before deciding on whether to start my MMM treatment tomorrow but I've decided to go for it and get started. I'll let you know how it goes.

Vicky xx

Highs and Lows

Well, where to start.....?

Your blog comments these last few days have brought tears to my eyes - as I lay on the sofa the days before going into hospital, I felt so awful, I was sure I was on my way. It was actually quite a relief to be admitted to the oncology centre. Then I got all tearful again when I thought I was going home on Saturday - my neutrophylls had shot up to 9 - only to be told that they'd discovered a bug in my blood cultures and I couldn't go home until Sunday.

Anyway, being in hospital, we saw Dr Braybrooke sooner than expected and he gave us my scan results - the news is mixed and a bit disappointing. The tumours on my brain have responded well to the treatment but the ones on my liver haven't unfortunately. I feel that I ought to be devastated but I'm just so glad that my brain has responded to the treatment. What it means is all change to my treatment from the beginning of October. Dr B is going to give me a triple combination called MMM, which I'll have every two weeks. He'll give it three treatments then scan again. He still believes there's something he can try. Let's hope so.

Vicky x

Irregular Post

Right guys, guest editor while big vicks is slightly indisposed up St Michaels Hill. This is coming from Grove Road where Martin and I are having the odd Groslsh (spelling boy - that's a hundred lines) or two whilst contemplating the price of bread and why Newcastle did so badly against Derby on Monday. Vicks having the works thrown at her, IV fluids, Cef and Met antibiotics and even some granulocyte stimulating growth factor - (pretty pricey) to make her white cells perk up a bit. Vicks is likley to be in the oncology centre until at least early next week. Plenty of support in the offing, Joan is in Bristol, Jac has just moved into the office next door to the ward, Anna on the way down and we had a call from Abs tonight and she is planning a stealth visit early next week. Big Martin doing well, though the state of his bowels after tonight's super chilli may affect the coming week.

Congratulations to Hannah, the good news is that she managed to smuggle a very handy salad into Vicks to supplement her meagre rations, and, on top of that a big pillow. The slightly unfortunate news is that Hannah's car was CCTV'ed in a consultant's parking space and the security team are on her tail (plus the entire UBHT consultant community).

Big thanks to Sarah who popped in earlier today and found Vicks sleeping. Some of you may not know but S edit the hit BBC series "who do you think you are?" mag. I think the answer you were looking for is "Vicky Weir" and she comes from Scotland (though she does have a lot of Sassernach blood in her these days).

Martin has v kindly bought V 3 pairs of pyjamas on the basis that at least 2 pairs would be unacceptable.

Anyway, looks like results imminent so will keep you all posted.

OK, got to go now, Jacqui back and unable to write without censorship - will keep you all posted on irregular basis - lots of love (lets hope I remember the passwords) Shane Martin and Jacqui

Floored...!

Hello all

Different author at this stop! We’ve had an eventful week. Vicky’s last entry left on her having a blood transfusion. Last Thursday. Well yet again it really didn’t live up to its reputation as an energy boost. In fact quite the opposite.

No sooner had John (the health care at home nurse) had packed up and left, Boom! There was a big change all right. Vicky said she felt sleepy. And went for a line down. And stayed there. Not like her as you all know.

Friday, was more of the same. She just didn’t seem to have any energy at all. Totally Floored. This was different, and a realization that this chemotherapy was for the first time on this journey really taking grip. I went to work for a few hours then pick Iona up form school and went home. Vicky was wrapped in a duvet on the sofa. Iona seemed to take it in her stride, she did ask why mummy was so tired and not doing anything. Then happily played albeit a bit quieter. Vicky even slept through England’s drubbing by South Africa (that probably was a blessing actually).

Saturday, Vicky had aches on her lower back, and still wasn’t eating much. The oral chemotherpy was getting very difficult to take as she must take them with food and she had completely lost her appetite.

Sunday we did manage to take Iona to Orla’s 6th Birthday. But it was a big effort for Vicky to stay. Two hours later Vicky was back home. Exhausted.

Vicky temperature had started to play up again. And it did go up and down during the weekend. 38.4 was worrying. So Monday sickness, Diahorra and loss of appetite were all taking it toll. Vicky had a CT scan on Monday afternoon. This had been planned by Dr Braybrooke. Results next Tuesday!

Finally on Tuesday went Ursula came to clean her line, and she decided to take some blood to check her levels. And within a few hours confirmed what we thought. Her Neutrophils (infection fighting) should be between 2 -8, Vicky’s were zero! And she was dehydrated. Hospital was our next stop. !!Luckily Joan had driven down that day to help, so she took over with Iona and I took V to the Oncology Centre.

And that’s where we’re at. They’re going to keep her in for a few days. Well until her Neutrophils are above 1. Also antibiotics and fluids. Dr B did phone last night (nice touch Dr B) and gave Vicky some fab news.. No more Oral chemotherapy for a while!!

I don’t get chance to say thanks on the blog, but every single entry gives V and me a huge lift so please keep posting.. They all mean a lot to us both. X

Night Fever, Night Fever

We seem to be getting into the habit of having little dramas just before treatments! This time, having got Iona back to school and successfully negotiating her gym party - 16 very tired and happy 6 year olds - I decided to develop night fevers. On Saturday night, I peaked at 39 degrees but feeling alright stayed where I was and it dropped down fairly quickly.

Iona and I went to support Martin in the Half Marathon on Sunday morning (an impressive 1hr 28mins!) and when my temperature started to creep up again in the afternoon, this time, I thought it wise to to take the advice of those whose medical knowledge is a bit more advanced than mine!! Off we went to The Oncology Centre for blood tests, Iona clutchng her enormous new cheetah from the Bear Factory and in a high state of excitement as her first tooth had just come out! I was so sure they were going to admit me - but it turned out that once again my red blood count is low (down to 8.4) but my infection-fighting white cells and neutrophylls are ok so I was packed off home with some oral anitbiotics....and they seem to be doing the trick..either that or it's down to my old friends, the steroids!!

So, I was ok for treatment on Tuesday. All passed uneventfullly but good to see Saint Ursula again - Martin took the opportunity to pick her brain on her carpentry skills as he battled to fit the new cat flap! We had our regular session with Dr B on Tuesday afternoon - he has suggested another blood transfusion so that's happening this afternoon..at home this time. Hope it gives me a bit more of a boost than last time. We'll know soon enough. Dr B is also planninng scans for a couple of weeks' time, before my next treatment, so we will know how things are going - it's a bit sooner than we expected but he is very optimistic that I will show a good response to the treatment. Fingers crossed. Obviously then, we would just carry on with the current treatment plan. Oh joy!!

Anyway, got to go as my new blood will be here soon!

Vicky xx

Happy Holidays!

We're back from a lovely time in Scotland - a busy couple of days in Edinburgh going to shows at the Fringe, catching up with old school friends and visiting one of my favourite places, Tantallon Castle, and not forgetting the obligatory stop at Luca's Ice Cream on the way back - childhood memories...!

I must admit that I didn't really notice any extra oomph as a result of my blood transfusion but then we were rushing around quite a lot - surprise!

Our week on the west coast was great too - lots of pottering on the beaches, a perfect day out to the island of Iona, deer and seal spotting, evenings playing cards and I did manage the 6-mile walk to Loch Tearnait where Dad's ashes are scattered.

Iona had a very happy 6th birthday while we were away - she loves her new camera - but she was even happier when we got back and got a cat. We now have a lovely, friendly, 10-month old, ginger female who we have called Skye. Iona is delighted and rushes home from school to see her.

I'm feeling ok - this is my drug-free week - although I don't have as much energy as I would like. Iona went back to school yesterday so now, no excuse, for not starting on my enormous jobs list!! Firstly, the small matter of a 6th birthday party on Saturday!!

Anyway, next treatment on Tuesday so let's hope the blood test is straightforward this time. In the meantime, here's some holiday pics:

Vicky xx

The best laid plans...

Just had my second dose of Docetaxel this morning - no dramas - they all happened yesterday!!

Jo came round to take my bloods - just a routine pre-treatment procedure...or so we all thought....but my red blood count was low so I'm a bit anaemic. I was ok for the chemo as my white cells and the infection fighting neutrophils are ok (not great but good enough) but Dr B thought I should have a blood transfusion. Unfortunately, that takes at least a day to sort with cross-matching the blood so that is now scheduled for tomorrow and it is a bit of a slow process. I'm very impressed by the communication between everybody - Dr B, Nicky the nurse and Pat, Dr B's secretary. They all knew that we were due to go on holiday today so were really trying to move things on - Nicky thought that because I haven't been symptomatic of an anaemic (breathlessness and unusual tiredness) I might get away without a transfusion but Dr B is concerned that I might deteriorate while I'm away and, apart from feeling knackered, we will be a long way from any health services so he doesn't want to take any chances. I wouldn't consider not going with what Dr B says - we trust him implicitly. I was so surprised because I have been feeing so well although the first thing Martin said to me yesterday morning was that I looked a bit yellow!

Although, we're gutted we totally understand that this is what happens, so no real complaints. We decided that Martin should still drive up to Edinburgh today with the girls (his and mine) - they've just left - and I will fly up tomorrow evening re-energised and revitalised!! I'm not sure that there was any room in the car for me anyway! We have tickets for Fringe shows tomorrow, all of which have had rave reviews, so it would be a shame for us all to miss them.

The Disability Living Allowance people rang in the morning and asked about my outdoor mobility to assess me for benefits - I didn't dare say that I went for a bike ride on Sunday and we are planning a 6-mile walk on holiday to visit where my Dad's ashes have been scattered. I'll be more considerate when my time comes!!!

The good news is I'm back on the steroids for a few days..so I've got a few extra hours in my day!! Oh joy!!

So, assuming all goes well tomorrow, I'll be off until 2nd Sept and will catch up when we're back.

Vicky x

Five days off

Five days without drugs...not that I've been having a bad time with the oral chemotherapy but it feels good not to have to think about it. I'll be back on the steroids for three days from Monday and then round 2 starts on Tuesday. We've got Nicky the nurse booked in to come round early on Tuesday and do the deed and then we're planning to jump in the car and drive up to Edinburgh for a few days at the Fringe and then a week in a cottage on the west coast with Anna, Ed, Ewan and Caitlin and lots of games. Hopefully, I'll feel as well as I did last time. It'll be good to spend some time with Martin - at the moment he comes home from work, we eat and I go to bed!

We saw Dr Braybrooke on Tuesday - he's very pleased with the way that I'm tolerating the treatment. My reward is that he's now thinking that we might go for 6 or even 8 rounds of this combination although the scans after round 3 or 4 will dictate that. He is confident that I will show a good response. When I told him that we had a holiday booked that clashes with treatment number 5, he said that we could delay the treatment by a week. I'm liking him more and more!!

I've been a bit paranoid that three weeks of steroids had made me put on weight but I was feeling confident that I'd got away with it until I came downstairs the other morning and Iona was staring at me. When I asked what she was looking at, she said, 'Your face looks even rounder!' The truth hurts!! She and I have been having a ball this week - Iona has had a riding lesson, we've been to the cinema, seen lots of friends and last night we went to Scooby Doo Live on Stage. I'd forgotten how much I fancied Shaggy when I was younger!!

Not going to work is great but I've had to set myself a few rules - no daytime TV unless it's cricket, Rugby World Cup or any other good sport and no trashy magazines unless I'm feeling rubbish. I think I need to add internet shopping to that list - even the postie has commented on the number of parcels being delivered!! Well, it is Iona's birthday in 10 days and it was the Fat Face sale!!!

So, all is well with us.

Vicky xx

No more bad hair days..

One week on and I still feel ok - not 100% - I feel a bit jaded and glazed but it's not stopping me doing much at the moment. Iona is at my Mum's until Friday and is having lots of fun with her cousins. We did a handover at her grandparents' house in Lancashire. Helen and Andy helped us with the transport logistics and then helped us get hooked on Nintendo Wii.....ours has arrived this morning so games night for us tonight!!

Not only did we leave Iona up north but I left my hair there too!! After a couple of days of excrutiating itchiness and soreness, my hair started to come out in clumps so Helen clipped it all off. It was quite traumatic but quite a relief when it was all off. So, I'm getting used to my new look - I've got a supply of bandanas and Martin and I went to Cardiff yesterday to choose a wig. Hopefully, it will arrive in the next couple of days..in time for the wedding this weekend. I'll post a picture when it comes!!

Other than that, yesterday, I met with Lynne from St Peters' Hospice - interesting to find out what they do but something I can park for a while. She had some good ideas about stuff to do with Iona and top of her birthday list now is a digital camera so that she and I can make a holiday diary when we go up to Scotland later this month. Martin and I also had a very positive meeting at the solicitors - good to get more stuff sorted - and I had a lovely night out with Karen and Kate.

Vicky xx

Waiting to see what happens..

I had my first treatment of round two yesterday - by the time Nicky the nurse got here after 6 o'clock we'd already managed a bonus day in the sun which was lovely.

To me, it seemed like so much less of an ordeal than the previous treatments - no needles in the back of the hand, just a quick plug into my line and off it went, no giant syringes of pink liquid, just one small bag of clear fluid (taxotere/docetaxel) and no shivering under the blankets because of the miserable cold caps. And,no sickness at all!

This morning I started on the oral chemotherapy - 1800mg of delightful-coloured pinky/orange capecitabine tablets to be taken twice a day 30 minutes after breakfast and supper. The main side effects of this combination of drugs are expected to be debilitating tiredness and aching joints but, in my book, anything is better than nausea. And, from tomorrow, I can start to wean myself off the steroids..so I might even be able to look forward to a decent's night sleep!!

So, I'm just waiting to see what happens next but in the meantime, Iona and I will just keep on enjoying the holidays. I might even go out tonight!

Vicky xx

Ahead on points!

Round 1 to me!

As I write the sun is shining, we are getting ready to go to a wedding, Iona is sorting through her nursery and school photos, Martin has gone to buy some new running shoes (his sore knee expertly diagnosed by Shane as 'neednewtraineritis'!) and things seem pretty normal.

After the initial shock I'm feeling in less of a panic and less needing to get everything sorted straight away. I am now feeling a lot calmer and we've had a nice few days doing school holiday stuff...apart from Tuesday that is when I was really rough - no doubt induced by the onslaught of radiotherapy, lack of sleep and generally wrung out emotions - but I'm feeling much more hopeful and happy, spurred on by steroids, anti-sickness pills, demands of a 5-year old and plenty of love and support from everyone around me.

I dragged myself in to see Dr B on Tuesday feeling as rough as I ever have done. I'm booked in for the chemo to start next Tuesday - at home again. This time it's going to be one infusion which will take about an hour and I've also to take an oral chemotherapy twice a day for two weeks. The combination of the two drugs is not as commonly given in this country as it is in Europe and the States as it offers a choice selection of side effects but Dr B is keen to stop this thing in its tracks..as am I. He reckons even if I can manage two treatments on the combination then that's definitely worthwhile. Let's see how we go.

The radiotherapy has been ok - there's a flash and a smell that will stay with me and the sound of the nurses scarpering to the safety of their waiting area to avoid the zap of the beams. The Occupational Health chap came round and closed his file after 10 minutes - I don't think there's going to be any problem with my retirement! It is an enormous relief not to be considering work at the moment - it means that every day is for us and enjoying what we can from it.

We've had some great help too - the girls have come into their own - Jacqui has kitted me out with the full Elizabeth Arden 8-hour face products (so while my body crumbles, at least my face will be ok!), Hannah, as well as giving fantastic advice on how to look after Iona in this whole situation, has braved taking her to the hairdressers' (and suffered the hour-long face of thunder!) and also bought me a super jazzy pair of wellies for wet weddings in fields (Congratulations Judy & Steve!)..and we now have a regular ironing service courtesy of the lovely 'other' Hannah.

So, let's see what next week brings - things to do - get a wig sorted, treat myself to a new sick bucket (not sure if Cath Kidston does any!), start going through years of family photos!

More soon.

Vicky xx

Get busy living, or get busy dying

These are words from one of Martin's and my favourite films, The Shawshank Redemption, and right now I need to a bit of both of these things.

Since last Tuesday, when we heard Dr B say 'It's not good news,' we have been riding the shockwaves and fighting our way through the blur - my blur has been confused by the steroids which give me a daytime lift and nighttime wakefulness..so I'm pretty tired too.

We don't underestimate the impact on many of you too. Once again we have been overwhelmed by your messages - the bus is fuller than ever. The Watson's girls will have to ride along on the top as in our sixth form French weekend days!!! You are dragging us up from the depths of despair and helping us face the days ahead. I promise that I will fight this fight as hard as I can and squeeze every last ounce out of my life and salvage what we can from our summer holiday plans.

On the medical front, things have marched on - I had my radiotherapy planning session on Friday with Dr Bahl who said that the lesions on my brain were small and the fact that my headaches have already responded to steroids is a good sign. Initially he'd said that I'd have to have permanent marks on my head for the duration of the treatment but luckily the nurses and technicians stepped in and I was fitted with a marked up moulded mask for the first treatment which started today at 1724!! I'll lose my hair in about 6 weeks. It wasn't too bad - very quick in and out. My head was strapped to the table and they zapped me for a couple of minutes each side then I was free to go. The treatment does aggravate the lesions initially so my headache is back for a while.

No need for cold caps this time round with the chemotherapy which is quite a relief. I'm also going to have a line put in tomorrow so no more back of the hand vein nasties either. The nurse will, using ultrasound, feed a line through from the upper arm and down towards the heart and leave it there for the duration of the treatment. The end remains open and sealed with a bandage and all blood taking and treatment can be done from there.

We are also seeing Dr B again tomorrow armed with questions and then I've got the Occupational Health doctor coming round to sort out all my retirement issues. Other than that, I've been in full on rant mode - raging against everything from the skip sticking out onto the pavement outside Redland High School, Virgin Media sending us 19 letters in 5 days and the local news reporter doing a piece to camera while driving his car!!! Helen has sent me a very useful book - Chasing Daylight: How my forthcoming death transformed my life. I sobbed when I read the title but I've read it cover to cover and it's given me some useful ideas on how to cope with all this. So, I'm going from rant mode to list mode - places to go, people to see, things to sort. I feel I could cope if it was just me but the pain, the agony all centres, of course, on my beautiful, innocent little girl. Most other things are resolvable but not that ever.. You realise that this blog will now be part of her memory box.

Of course, we have no definite idea of how long I've got and we continue to hope and believe that the treatment can give us more time but when your GP asks, as mine did this morning, 'Shall I refer you to St Peter's Hospice?', we know we have to be realistic.

Martin and I cannot thank you enough for your words, calls, offers of help and useful advice - we are so, so lucky to have you all.

Vicky xx

So much for the summer off

I knew there was something wrong and Dr Braybrooke confirmed it - the cancer has spread to my liver and my brain. I'm starting radiotherapy on my head on Monday for a week and then more chemo the week after for 6 3-weekly sessions. The radiotherapy will make my hair fall out...but that's the least of my concerns right now. Dr B still thinks that it is worth treating because of the good response last time but it's going to be tough.

The bottom line is this thing is definitely going to get me sooner rather than later - I know it, we all know it and I need to work out how I'm going to deal with it.

It's a complete, total, gut wrenching fu!&%r.

Please don't feel you have to leave a message - who knows what to say at a time like this.

Vicky x

Anxious Times

Just a quick update today..I'm going to see Dr Braybrooke on Tuesday to see what's happening next.

For about three weeks I've been having headaches and over the last week they've been pretty constant day and night and I've generally been feeling not quite right. I know it could be the weather, stress, dehydration or any number of other things but as I've never had headaches before..it's a bit worrying. Today's is not helped by a wine or two at Martin's birthday party last night!!

I phoned Dr B's secretary on Friday and he called me back within the hour (Jacqui says my men are very attentive) - we had a good chat. He said that just because the cancer has been raging in my breast doesn't necessarily mean that it is aggressive elsewhere in my body. Anyway he's sending me for a CT scan tomorrow of the head, chest and abdomen. Hopefully we'll get the results on Tuesday.

So, I'm twitchy to say the least and my imagination has gone into overdrive.

More on Tuesday when we know what's what.

Vicky x

A happy pathologist

'The pathologist is happy'.

Those were the words we wanted to hear from Mr Cawthorn today - the new tumour, all 7cm of it, was removed in the operation. 7cm - that's enormous! He checked my wound and it's healing well - I can take the waterproof bandage off at the end of the week and get going with the bio oil to heal the scar. I completed a questionnaire so that I can be reported in Mr C's study about his great new surgery techniques and got lots of fab underwear brochures from the nurse.

Anyway, with our good news, we went out and enjoyed Martin's birthday - 40 today!!

Any rubbish that dares to remain in the breast now will be zapped by the radiotherapy which would normally start 4 - 6 weeks after surgery but we might be able to hang on until after our Scottish holiday at the end of August. We see Dr Braybrooke next Tuesday to discuss all that and more scans.

We were out at the weekend and walked right into the Sun Walk at the top of Park Street - thousands of women in their decorated bras walking 13 miles to raise money for breast cancer charities. It was quite poignant and we sat for a while and watched them walk past.

I've been feeling fine since the operation - no pain - and I'm getting used to my new look. I even went out with a strappy top on last night. Iona's been on a school trip today and has been telling some of her friends that Mummy has only one boobie - everyone says it's good she's talking about it but I do feel sorry for the other parents when their kids come home demanding an explanation! Not sure all that is on the Year 1 curriculum.

So, so far, so good.

Vicky xx

In and out...and off!

Well, it's been a busy week!

We saw Mr Cawthorn at Frenchay Hospital on Wednesday lunchtime and he measured me up for surgery, answered our questions and allayed our fears about how this had come to be. This surgery was almost inevitable after he had not be able to get the clearance that he wanted in the first operation although I'm glad I didn't know that during the chemo. The chemo had probably succeeded in keeping the residue disease lurking in the lymphatic channels at bay but now treatment was over it had flared up again. The worry is that this is an indicator that this cancer is an aggressive little devil - we will need to find out more from Dr Braybrooke.

Just over 24 hours after the phonecall from Mr C, I walked back into Admissions at The Glen. By this time I just wanted to get rid of this horrible, diseased mass on my body. The anaesthetist, who in his own words bore a striking ressemblance to Gerry Adams (but that's where the similarities ended!) and seemed to know half our neighbours, put me to sleep with some minty smelling gas because of my knackered chemo veins, and then dug about looking for a receptive vein. Nice man sparing me that!

Then Mr C set to work using his new pioneering breast surgery technique which requires no drains - that means only one night in hospital and not having to endure the agony of having drains removed once skin has started to cling onto them. The operation took about an hour and I was back in my room with my supersize chest pad and my morphine pump. I was sick a couple of times - a reminder that it is not sensible to rush to the nearest Harvester when you have half an hour to eat before the pre-op 'no food' rule kicks in!

Next morning the nurse came to remove my bandages - I couldn't watch and concentrated on Martin's reaction to what he saw. He was ok with it all. I sneaked a look eventually and it's really not as gruesome as I thought it was going to be (you've seen the cold cap pic but I'll spare you this one!) and not too uncomfortable either - I haven't even dipped into the pick 'n' mix bag of pain killers that I was sent home with. I think I can live with this and I've been feeling in quite good spirits. I dragged myself away from the tennis and managed to get to school to pick Iona up yesterday (although I did need to go with Fiona and Stan for moral support) but needed to sleep for 2 hours when I got back!

We liked Mr Cawthorn before but we like him even more now and we are in no doubt that he is the best there is which is a very comforting position to be in. When Martin was walking back up to the hospital to see me after the operation (with Iona happily enjoying her first ever schoolnight sleepover at Asha's - thanks Annabelle!), Mr C drove past him and went back round the roundabout and stopped for a chat. Martin was touched by this. We've been playing a game of 'Guess what car the consultant drives?' and are delighted to say that in Mr C's case it is a battered old Saab. He's so cool - he even did my post-op check by text!

Iona is fascinated by my softee falsie - the delights of the chicken fillet are to come when my wound is healed!! As a 5-year old desperate to have wobbly teeth, she and I have had an interesting conversation about whether the boobie fairy will pay me a visit!!

I have made the decision that work is probably a thing of the past - the paperwork has yet to be completed - it's just not where I want to be focussing the time and energy that I do have. Iona is delighted that I will be taking her to school every day and that after school club is a thing of the past. Martin teases no more Fat Face shopping for me - it's New Look and Primark from now on!

The planned weekend visit by my sister and family has been downsized to just Anna and Ewan (aged 3 and Iona's favourite cousin) which will be lovely for all of us...especially because I can indulge in a guilt-free weekend of sport watching!

Once again I feel incredibly lucky to have friends and family like you, doctors like Mr C and Dr B and, of course, my very own super hero Martin, aided and abetted by mini hero, Iona.

Check up and histology report on Tuesday - more then.

Vicky xx

Here we go again

We are reeling...

I was away with work for a week and felt a bit tender and sore in my right breast when I got back. I phoned Dr B who suggested I see Mr Cawthorn. The luxury of the private health system means that I phoned him on Tuesday and saw him last Friday. He poked and prodded and did an ultrasound and said he didn't like the look of it. He did a biopsy and took a sample from a red mark on my skin.

I waited all day yesterday to hear from him and finally he rang at lunchtime today.

Both samples show signs of recurrence of the cancer in that area so I'm having a mastectomy tomorrow followed by radiotherapy and then more chemo. It's the more chemo that's the real killer.

So many questions going round my head but nothing more to say at the moment except time to get the bus out of the garage.

Love Vicky xx

And finally...for a while..

Well, two weeks on from seeing Dr Braybrooke, and once again I have been totally overwhelmed by the outpourings of joy and happiness at my good news and things really are almost back to normal. I thought I had been coping quite well but now I know that the treatment was effective, I am definitely coping very well! I've still not quite got my energy levels back but I've been managing to run regularly since the beginning of April...not very far and not very fast but still running...just!! And, I must keep reminding myself of the value of every day of my life and not get sucked into the petty, meaningless stuff that in the grand scheme of things is not that important - easier said than done!!

The only residue of my treatment is my daily Bondorat tablet which strengthens my bones but has to be taken first thing in the morning half an hour before eating or drinking and I have to stay upright for an hour after taking it. Much to Martin's delight, I am now first up and on packed lunch duty!!

And I must just big up Dr B one last time - I have such confidence in him and he is such a genuinely nice bloke. He was so lovely the last time we saw him and almost as pleased as we were. He couldn't wait to tell us the scan news and he had even tried to phone us on the Thursday before so we didn't have to spend the Easter weekend worrying and wondering. Much as I like him, I'm in no rush to see him again!

Unfortunately, I have had to take the decision not to do the fundraising Sun Walk as it's going to clash with Martin's 40th birthday celebrations. As my birthday was so caught in all the trauma of the early days I feel that we must do it properly for Martin...although I'm sure there's nothing he'd like more than to spend his birthday with thousands of half-dressed women!!

But, my sister Anna is going to do the Moon Walk in Edinburgh - she will walk 26 miles through the night of 16th June wearing a bra to raise money for breast cancer research, cancer care and for the provision of cold caps in all NHS hospitals. Apart from all you guys, the cold caps and being able to go out without the classic stigma of cancer were the most important things that kept me going through my treatment. It would be great if everyone undergoing chemotherapy could have the opportunity to wear them. If you would like to sponsor Anna on her walk, please visit www.justgiving.com/annamkh

So, I'm blogging off for a while but if there are any developments I'll be straight back - I'm seeing Dr B next on June 12th. The bus is going into the garage but keep your tickets in a safe place! I want everyone back on board if my life takes another detour.

Thanks to you all for blogging, for reading, for e-mailing, for phoning, for sending gifts and flowers and for caring so much. You really made a difference.

Love Vicky xx

Let's celebrate..

It's the best news. The bone scan report read 'almost all the areas of abnormal activity have been resolved' and the conclusion was 'excellent response to treatment'. What a relief - we never expected that. We are so happy. Dr Braybrooke was happy - he said it's the best result we could hope for.

So, no more treatment for a while - I'll see Dr B again in a couple of months and then have another scan in a couple of months after that but, generally, life is back to normal. The cancer will come back one day but, at least, we know it responds to treatment.

Hooray, hooray.

Thanks to you all for keeping me going through these last few months.

Loads of love

Vicky xxxx

Girls, girls, girls..

I've had two great weekends with my old school friends - the first one in Bristol with Katie, Claire, Gill and Sarah all lodging up the road in Jacqui and Shane's nearly finished basement flat and the second with Margot, Rachel and Emma in a 5-star cottage just outside Bath. These are definitely 5-star friends and we had some 5-star moments. The funniest moment of the first weekend was the girls' shopping frenzy in Woolies...yes, I said Woolies...well, I suppose you don't get all that cheap and cheerful stuff in Paris and Milan!! Thanks girls for the best therapy I could have!

I had my CT scan on Monday - it felt strange to be back at The Glen and all the bad memories came flooding back but at least I didn't have to drink the horrible yellow liquid as they weren't interested in looking at my bowel this time. The radiologist wouldn't touch the vein in my arm for the injection of contrast dye as it has been so hardened by the chemo drugs so he went for the back of my hand which is still red and sore. Not pleasant but all over now! Let's see what fun and games the bone scan brings next Monday.

Other than that, I've been working alot..and enjoying it - I'm back to my normal hours on 1st April - but am looking forward to a few days off over Easter and doing some nice stuff with Martin and Iona. Martin, by the way, is taking it a bit easier this week after his indecently respectable performance (can you have such a thing??) in the Bath Half Marathon on Sunday - 1hour 26mins!

D-day is on the calendar - my next appointment with Dr Braybrooke is Tuesday 10th April. He'll have the scan results and, hopefully, we'll know how things are and what's happening next. Until then, I'll be enjoying the sunshine! It's just great to feel well and normal again!

Love Vicky xx

A spring in my step

Well, two weeks on and I'm starting to feel really well and no chemo looming to put a dampener on things - yah boo to all that!! Now my hair has stopped falling out I had the luxury of my first hair cut since November - Jon Hurst on Cotham Hill does a half price chemo head cut but I hope you never need to know that!!

Once again, I'm finding it hard to believe there's anything wrong with me..except that the scans are already marked on the calendar - 26th March for the CT scan which will show whether the cancer has gone anywhere else in my body (it shouldn't have given the medical onslaught it has just endured) and 2nd April for the bone scan which will show how effective the treatment has been. Still, I've got two weeks before I need to worry about the results of those.

Otherwise, Martin is getting ready for the Bath Half Marathon, Iona is starting swimming lessons tomorrow and I am doing a bit too much work for my own liking (but I've only got myself to blame for that). I'm looking forward to spending this weekend with four of my oldest schoolfriends who are flying in from Paris, Milan and Edinburgh!! Next weekend I'm away on another girls' weekend with another three schoolfriends - oh yes, I'm making the most of it!!

More soon.

Love Vicky xx

It's all over...

Well, I definitely saved the worst til last!! The comedy night, Emma's relaxation CD, my emergency parcel from Sue, Mum being here and the wonderful Saint Ursula couldn't stop this being really horrid - I was sick during and after and had to go to bed straight after and for most of yesterday. I couldn't even get out of bed to receive my Friday food delivery together with extra special end-of-treatment fizz delivery...and Margot had even gone to the trouble of putting in a special request for the special delivery man!! Martin's had to bandage my hand up so I can't see the big red veins on the back of my hand as the sight of them makes me wretch.

But enough of that - it's all over, the sun is shining and once I'm out of this familiar post-treatment blur, that fizz will be cracked open and we'll be celebrating. I feel as if an enormous weight has been lifted from me and I feel very happy.

I can't tell you how much you have all helped me through this - the messages that have made me laugh, the messages that have made me cry, the e-mails, the cards, the parcels, the phonecalls, the kind words in the playground - it would have been so much harder without you. Thank you so much - I feel truly humbled. It seems such a long time since those scary days in early November...and what a journey.

And while I'm on the Oscar speech, here's to Martin - what an amazing man - he's been to every appointment, sat with me through all the chemo sessions, he's held the bucket, he's been woken repeatedly in the middle of the night, he's resisted looking at the bank balance after my retail therapy indulgences, he's borne the brunt of the grumpiness and accepted quietly that his life has changed beyond all recognition. You don't really bargain for this when you get together with somebody but he's still here ready to do it all again if we have to. But for the next months we're all looking forward to having some more enjoyable experiences.

More soon.

Love Vicky x

Time flies..

Is it nearly three weeks already? Time flies...and I can assure you I haven't been enjoying myself that much! I've not really had my good days this time as I've had a cold and sinusitis (of course my original diagnosis was a brain tumour!!) non-stop since my last treatment. Hopefully it won't affect my blood tests tomorrow as there can only be one thing worse than chemotherapy and that's not having it when you are preparing for it!! Dr Braybrooke thinks I should be ok though. We saw him today - we now won't see him again until after my scans in April - and I made him promise that when he gets the scan results he'll tell me it as it is!

I'm starting to feel quite euphoric about reaching the end of this particular road - there's just one small block in the way - and that's Thursday - but I've got Ursula again which is great and it's got to be better than last time. Martin and I are braving student night at Jesters Comedy Club tomorrow night in an effort to stave off the pre-treatment nerves.

We had a lovely trip to Dartmouth at the end of last week - three days in a quirky, little cottage, lots of pottering and a brand new Fat Face shop!! I even indulged in a few lattes and the odd glass of wine - bliss!! It did us all loads of good and so we came home and booked a weekend break to London (adults only!!) and cheapo flights to Croatia at the end of May. Abigail quite rightly pointed out last night that it was ridiculous to have booked a place in the half marathon in September and no summer holiday...so I hope this goes some way to address my misplaced priorities!!

My lovely friend Sue drove all the way from St Albans today to spend three hours with me - she is a lady who likes to lunch but, seriously, it's things like that that have helped me through these last four months. Thanks to you all.

So to Thursday and the end of this road..and a month of blissful ignorance.

Love Vicky x

Out of the fog...

It's taking a long time to get out of the post-chemo fog this time but I'm getting there. My cold probably hasn't helped and I can't seem to shake it off so I've only managed into work twice this week. I don't feel down or sad - in fact I've had quite a nice week, meeting Karen for a flu fighter juice and Hannah for a drink (home by 9.30!), reading books and magazines and perfecting the perfect veggie lasagne (not quite non-dairy, I must confess!) But..I'm up for a party tonight - Jenny's 30th (wow, I feel old!) even if I will be the first to leave!

Anyway, it's half term next week - Iona's got an assortment of people looking after her for the first few days - and we're off to Dartmouth on Thursday for 3 nights. A change of scene and some sea air will do us all good and I feel quite excited about having a little holiday. We've found a lovely cottage in the centre of town so we can potter about and have some fun. As long as Iona can find a place to satisfy her latest obsession of skipping she'll be happy!

Having spent the last four months unable to think about anything beyond the next chemo session, with just one to go, we are now starting to think about life after March - I'm not saying I'm back into my old planning habits but it's good to think that the summer (hopefully) will be treatment free and life can get back to normal for, at least, a few months. We've not dared to book a summer holiday yet but I have entered the Bristol Half Marathon, which is in September, and hope to be up to starting training by the end of March. For now, I'll enjoy the Sunday morning lie-ins! Every cloud..and all that!!!

love Vicky xx

A miserable afternoon

5 down, 1 to go but I have to say it was grim.

I didn't sleep well on Wednesday night and I woke up with a streaming cold. I was dreading the treatment. When Ursula arrived at 2 o'clock and asked me how I was, I burst into tears. She managed to find a new vein but it was so sore and, to cap it all, I was sick during the treatment too.

It all got off to a bad start on Wednesday with my blood test when the nurse tried to take blood without using a tourniquet and poked and prodded about. Ursula was fab though - she's reducing her nursing hours to become a carpentry apprentice - but Martin is now Director of Chemo Operations - checking his watch and fetching the cold caps on time, holding the bucket, keeping everyone happy and generally being great. It was always going to be a bad one - I'd dumped a presentation in London, which had been booked in for months and which I was originally meant to do, on my two colleagues Kerrie and Emma..so we all had an anxious morning! Rough justice! But, it's over, that's the main thing...and Mum's here (she defied all the weather warnings!) to do the running around this weekend while I loaf and watch the rugby and cricket!

Yesterday's snow was all a bit of a disappointment too - Iona managed to make two snowballs before it all turned to slush...but, at least, her school stayed open!

I feel much better today - no sickness in the night - so it's all uphill from here..except for the middle of the night steroid-induced angst...but now I've been on my course, I feel much better equipped to deal with all the nasty bits of this treatment. I had an interesting couple of days at the Penny Brohn Centre - very thought-provoking and inspiring and quite touchy feeely, intense and emotional. It was great to be with other people in similar situations and to learn how they are dealing with their cancers, all in very different ways, but it made me realise the value of finding a support group in Bristol.

I learnt lots of relaxation and meditation techniques, and most usefully, visual imagery. I've decided to think of my chemotherapy drugs as fairy dust going through my body - ok, I admit, Iona and I have been reading the Rainbow Fairy books for the last few weeks! Not sure though that meditation is my thing at the moment but might well be good in the future when things get tougher. The GP recommended some helpful changes to my vitamins/supplements but it was the Nutritionists who gave me most food (ha ha) for thought!! Their view is very cut and dried - no dairy, no red meat, no alcohol, no barbecuing and lots more no, nos! When I told the Nutritionist that I found coke quite good after my chemo I thought I was going to be sent for detention!! All a bit daunting really, but having said that, having eaten a fantastic non-dairy pizza and lasagne there I would happily give up all dairy if I was convinced by its real benefits. I'm not at the moment and Dr Braybrooke did nothing to persuade me - he says there is no significant evidence for it..so I've decided to continue with my juices, pulses and nuts and organic oats and reduce the dairy, make more vegetable soups and allow myself the odd glass of wine and a few crisps when I feel like it - not today!!

So, we're having a quiet weekend..well it's the usual social whirl for Iona. Martin and I might even take advantage of Mum being here and finally see the Bond film.

Loads of love to you all

Vicky xx

Two days of cancer stuff

I've been a bit slack on the old blog recently - I guess not much has changed and things are taking on a familiar routine - crap week followed by good week and then apprehensive week!! I've been busy at work too - funny to think that I'm still officially on sick leave.

Tomorrow, I'm off to the Penny Brohn Centre (was the Bristol Cancer Help Centre) for two days to learn all about alternative therapies for dealing with cancer - I know that I am going to get alot out of it but I am very anxious about thinking about my cancer for two days. Anyway, it's all about massage, healing, imagery, nutrition and relaxation so should be good - even if it's not for me at the moment, it's good to know what's out there. They're quite strict on the diet front - no sugar, salt, coffee or dairy..but if it all gets too much, Angie and Jon live about two minutes away...so if you're reading this..please be on standby!! You never know, I might decide to ditch the chemo and go for deep breathing and healing stones in the bra instead!

I've got to leave a bit early on Tuesday to make sure I get to my appointment with Dr Braybrooke - I could have given it a miss this time but it's always quite therapeutic seeing him and I've got to tell him that his expensive anti-sickness drugs were rubbish!

Tonight though is party night - we're off to Helen's 40th birthday Casino Party (for those of you who like to piece it all together, that's Bristol Helen who I met at a VSO party about 5 years ago and then again in the Colston's School playground!). Of course I had nothing to wear so I dragged Martin and Iona out this morning and squeezed myself into the got to have, half price in the sale, only one left but a size too small top! I realised why loads of them had broken zips! In fact got to go and follow other Helen's (that's VSO Helen who lives in Southport) 5-point getting ready plan for feeling great for that big night out!

One last thing - Anna has pointed out to me the Sun Walk in Bristol on July 8th - a power walking half marathon to raise money for breast cancer charities. Anna's going to do the equivalent Half Moon Walk in Edinburgh in June but if any of you girls fancy getting your pink bras on and doing the Sun Walk with me, let me know.

Lots of love to you all.

Vicky xx

Side effects, my a%@e!

Well, four down, two to go - I feel like I've really broken the back of this treatment now.

The treatment itself was fine - this time my nurse was super speedy David from Swansea who was in and out in 2 hours, although I have to admit to hoping that the winds would prevent him getting across the Severn Bridge at all. My veins seemed to be more cooperative than usual but sadly, the new (and more expensive) anti-sickness drug only served to delay the sickness by a couple of hours - Dr B might as well put me back on the cheap one and save somebody some money!!

So, I'm feeling much the same as normal at this time - tired, groggy, nauseous, sore arm, achy body and problems with pink liquids (same colour as the epirubicin) - this treatment doesn't have side effects, it has full on in the face effects. Having said that I do feel a bit brighter today but then I'm still on my steroids high. The Edinburgh support team have sent Anna, my sister, to take the strain this time and she's doing a fab job as usual, in particular saving me some money by allowing me to have my regular post-treatment retail therapy by proxy this time as she did some serious damage in Fat Face yesterday!! She is also setting up a collection of ipods that she, Ed and I have recently received for various birthdays and Christmas - this task has been made easier by the fantastically-timed arrival of a CD from Sue with half her friend's music collection on it!! Our fabulous food parcel from Margot duly arrived too, filling up the space in the freezer left by the cold caps.

Martin has taken the opportunity of Anna's visit to go to Newcastle v West Ham with Shane (The Conductor & Newcastle fan) and Max (age 9 & West Ham fan). Poor old Max had no idea what was going on until they were on the plane - they'd told him that they were going to the airport to collect some boxes!! Anyway, as the score stands now, looks like he might have the last laugh!

Iona has had an incident-packed week - on Tuesday she and Martin were walking to school and a chap working at a house opposite fell off his ladder with shouts, thuds and breaking of glass and then on Thursday a huge tree blew down in the school playground, smashing through the wall and school gates. She seems to have come through unscathed but an afternoon's play with best mate Orla is just what she needed and super child psychologist Hannah (soon to be starring on C4) can check her out for post traumatic stress while she's there!!

That's all from me - hope you're all enjoying a much better weekend.

Love Vicky xx

Brace, brace..!

I'm on the pre-chemotherapy road again - it comes round so quickly. As soon as the weekend is over, I start to feel anxious about what lies ahead.

We went to see Dr Braybrooke today armed with our list of questions. The hospital outpatients waiting area only seems to be for oncology and antenatal, and Martin and I always find ourselves sitting next to similar aged couples going for baby scans - funny how cruel life can be at times! I'm convinced I look healthier than most of them!!

But it's always good to see Dr Braybrooke - he's got such a calm and reassuring manner. I'm always a bit surprised when he wants to examine me as he seems more of a counsellor than a doctor...and it always makes me chuckle that the doctors are so careful to pull the curtain round so Martin can't see me undressed. It's not as if he hasn't seen it all before!!!

Anyway, we talked through all sorts of things. Dr B is going to change my anti-sickness drug to see if that stops me being sick. My blood tests are showing normal kidney and liver functions, which is good, so he is still planning scans for about a month after this course of treatment finishes (early April) and we are still hoping for the summer off treatment. This treatment is causing a bit of thrombosis (hardening of the veins) in my forearm and although it is still sore he wants me to see how I get on this time. I could have a line put in further up my arm but I'm not keen on that. Martin and I have been trying to make head or tail of all the invoices and the health insurance policy and have been slightly concerned that we are suddenly going to be slapped with a huge bill for treatment - Dr B reassured us that this would not happen and that at any time I can move to the NHS and still be treated under him. Hooray!! And, in case you're interested, which I was, Dr Braybrooke wouldn't describe me as being terminally ill. And if he says it, it's true!

So a good afternoon with Dr Braybrooke and a good win for Bristol City in the FA Cup - Martin will sleep well tonight.

So, there we go, blood test first thing tomorrow, then work and the usual after school fun with Iona and Molly and then brace myself for Thursday. Our thoughts are with Frances and Peter as Frances starts her chemo tomorrow.

See you on the other side!!

Vicky xx

The good days

Wow, it's been a long time...I do feel a bit guilty leaving a bit of a miserable blog on for so long. There you are probably thinking I'm still feeling horrid when the truth is that I'm out and about making the most of my good days, having as many lunches out as possible..well that and finishing off the overdue school projects!!

I emerged from my big black hole in the middle of last week and have been enjoying the normality since then. Sarah came over from Norfolk for three days and cheered us all up with maltesers, shopping trips and general loveliness and Martin's brother Mark and family came down from Essex for the weekend and we had a great time. The boys went to watch a soggy football match while the girls and kids spent a happy afternoon at At-Bristol. Just when I was starting to think I was invincible again - one game of bowling and a bit of scrambling on the soft play on Sunday morning and I was wiped out for the afternoon. This weekend, I promise, will be quieter!

I also finally managed to catch up with Grace and Ellie - Grace is my colleague and Ellie is her stunning 13-year old daughter who was diagnosed with leukaemia in September. If you think I've got it tough, then spare a thought for Ellie who is undergoing the most rigorous course of treatment imaginable but coping with it fantastically. I'm in awe of her - she's amazing.

My left arm is still hurting and I'm waiting to see what the oncologist says next week about that - I think they might need to find a different way in for the drugs next time. And I'm not enjoying this windy weather because it keeps exposing my bald patches!! I'm not sure my hair is going to last the course.

Work is going well - I'm really enjoying it and love the fact that it takes me out of my cancer world. I'm lucky because I have the most fantastically supportive colleagues and boss and so I'm under no pressure...except what I put myself under.

Martin and I have got a confession - we are addicted to Dr Wotsisname's Brain Training!! We're like a pair of teenagers in the evenings squabbling over the Nintendo DS!!

This is Iona and I on Clevedon seafront on New Year's Day - Martin took it with his new toy - a fabbydooby video camera. I was wrapped up like that and Iona was still sporting bare legs - we have still to get her into trousers or tights this winter!

More soon

Vicky xx

Happy New Year...!

Hi All

New year and a new blogger - this is an entry from me, Martin.

This leg of the journey has been just as revealing as the others. As you know Vicky had the 3rd chemo last Thursday, a familiar event itself by now but not the consequences. Vicky's starting point is getting lower each course. Even though she tried to do as little possible (not easy as you all know her well ! ) over Christmas, she felt washed out on Thursday before the nurse had even arrived.

The medicine takes a few hours before it starts to make her feel crap. Mixed with feeling tired, achy, and sick it's been a tough few days and nights. We've both noticed it takes slightly longer before we start to see a gradual improvement. Another issue which seems to be getting worse is Vicky's hand. After each treatment the back of her hand, where the drugs go in, has been sore but this time it did swell up quite noticeably and the swelling spread to her lower arm. It has settled down now but it was a bit worrying. Popeye would have been proud of a forearm like hers.

We did try and get out of the house... retail therapy is ALWAYS a reason for Vicky to get up and out. John Lewis, M&S and B & Q.. not quite Oxford Street but necessary nonetheless. Even this little jaunt proved hard work but at least I got the things I needed to carry on with my DIY jobs.
We had a quiet New Years Eve.. Popped next door to Pete & Anne's early evening for a drink. Then, we just snuggled up on the sofa and played Frustration with Iona. She's a demon with the dice that girl.. just how many sixes can one person throw on the trot ! Iona did win and we sent her to bed, not because she won of course but it was getting late ! We opened up a bottle of Moet to cheer us up, Vicky struggled through half a glass while I guzzled the rest.. well it would have been a shame to waste it. Ok the lager and few glasses of brandy were excessive I agree. We managed to stay up til midnight.. Very easy these days to confuse the New Year with November 5th !! ( grumpy old man syndrome setting in early!! ).

New Years Day started without any breakable resolutions being set.. we thought that would suit us fine. .the six pack will have to wait another year. This year it's simply a case of New Year new hope..

I'd just like to thank all of you for all your support. Either by simply reading the blog or by leaving a message. It's a fantastic distraction and the kindness, love and energy helps us all.

I wish you all a very happy 2007.

Love from Martin x